"What If " Girl

The Rock refers to me as the "What If" Girl and I remind him that it is a trait I inherited from my own mother.  Anytime we are making plans, doing our monthly budget or begininng a big journey I am constantly saying "What If?".  Thankfully I have a husband that is patient with my questions and concerns.  Again, that is why he is My Rock!

As we began this adoption process we had to decide if we were going to adopt domestically or internationally.  I can say that The Rock was definitely leaning more towards domestic while I was leaning towards international adoption.  A lot of this had to do with the "What Ifs", fears that Satan was putting in my mind and my own experience as a teacher.  Emotionally I knew that I could not handle losing another child at that time in my life and it was the fear of a birth mother changing her mind.  It was also the question of how long a domestic adoption would take.  The Rock also did not realize how much I had been researching international adoption and I felt God pulling me towards Asia at this point. 

 As a good teacher I decided that in order to help us make our decision we needed to interview friends who had adopted domestically and internationally.  We continued to pray, I continued to cry and The Rock listened to all of my "What Ifs".   By February of 2012 The Rock discovered that I can be determined once I have a plan in place and all of the signs were pointing to China.  Why China you ask?  Don't worry that will be a future post......just a fair warning :)  Before we could begin this journey I wanted to make sure that he was just not giving in to me and he wanted to really be a dad to child who did not have a father of their own.  God opened his heart and mind as we progressed on our journey. The verse that helped us make this decision is the one found at the top of this blog.  James 1:27.

Thankfully we only have one "What If" person in our household.  This is a weakness for me and I having to learn to WAIT and trust in God. 

The verse in my head today is this:

Proverbs 3:5-6

New International Version (NIV)

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

I cannot wait to share the love of Christ with our Cherry Blossom!  Hopefully she will not inherit her mother's trait of being a "What If" girl.  There are so many other traits I would love for her to have :)

The "W" Word

As I look back on my childhood I can distinctly remember the day I knew that I wanted to be a mom.  It was the day that I received my first Cabbage Patch Kid from my Grandma Marks.  When those little adoption papers came with "Dorian" I was so excited to be a mom. I dreamed of what my children would look like, where they would go to school and what kind of jobs they would have.  I babysat as much as I could just because I loved being around kids.  As I grew older I made my plans to graduate from high school, go to college, get a job right out of college teaching children, get married as soon as I landed my dream job and then be a mom after 1-2 years of marriage.  It was all supposed to work out on my schedule because I knew where I wanted to be in 5 years, 10 years and 20 years.  I had answered those questions in so many journals in my English classes.  I still ask those questions of my students today!    Little did I know that God had his own plans and my schedule did not go the way I thought it would.  I would have to WAIT!?!?

Don't get me wrong,  I went to graduated from high school, went to college, and landed my dream job.  However,  it would take me many years to find the man who God created especially for me.  This same wonderful man went to high school with me and we had similar friends, but God knew that neither of us were ready to be together back then.  We both had a lot of growing up to do and I am thankful that I waited to the old age of 30 (eeekkk! ) to get married.  He is my rock, my confidant and my spiritual leader.  (Throughout this blog I will now refer to him as "The Rock" - as in my husband that is always there to support and protect me.....not the wrestler)  He was more then willing to go ahead with my plans of when we were going to get pregnant and when our child was going to be born.  Of course our child was going to be born during my summer break when I would not have to take any sick days.  Little did I know that once again, God had his own plans and I was going to have to WAIT.  (Over the past five years that word has been the most difficult word to hear and say)

Without going into much detail, since this is a journal for our little girl to read later,  we tried for many years to get pregnant.  We went through many tests, tears, blood draws, discussions with fertility specialists, tears, ultrasounds, times of frustration, IVF (twice), shots, tears and four lost pregnancies.  In January of 2012 I knew that I was emotionally done after four years of being told to "Wait",  "Relax" and "It is all in God's plan".  I wanted to be a mom and the only way I could be one was to adopt.  Now I just had to convince my husband.  Good thing he didn't tell me that I had to WAIT.

Ironic that my favorite verse has always been:

Isaiah 40:31

New King James Version (NKJV)

³¹ But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

 

After these past four years this verse has taken on a whole new meaning for me.